SGA ficlet: So Very Wrong

[dragojustine]

SGA ficlet.
Set early second season.
1k words, McKay and Sheppard, gen, G

I have absolutely no excuse for this bit of inanity, other than that I saw someone reading a book today and my very first thought was "Man, think of what Rodney McKay would say about that." That must be an entry on some "you've been watching too much SGA when..." type list.



As far as John was concerned, there were lots of good things about getting back in touch with Earth.

Reinforcements. Coffee. Ammo. Letters from family. Chocolate. The entire last season of CSI, which all by itself caused wild cheering in several quarters.

Rodney seemed to think it was all irrelevant- well, except the coffee, of course.

When John stepped into the lab, Zelenka was lying stretched on the ground under some type of console, while Rodney was bent over and trying to reach down the back of it. John watched his contortions for maybe a second longer than was really necessary, waiting to be noticed. Finally, he gave up and went with a laconic, "Boo."

Zelenka twitched visibly, and there was a sharp metallic clang followed by rapid fire Czech curses. Rodney didn't look up.

"Oh, Colonel. There you are, finally. Another hour and I would have actually had to go track you down, which is a ludicrous waste of valuable time. Do you see that black panel with the glyphs?" He flapped his arms vaguely towards the other end of the console, still rummaging behind it. "Zelenka wants you to put your hand there."

"And do what?"

"Think glowy thoughts at it. Tell it it's pretty. How should I know?"

Zelenka rolled out from under the console, rubbing his forehead. "Hello, Colonel. If you don't mind trying to initialize, it would save us much-"

"Yes, I'm sure he'll try your ridiculous request, Radek. Is the logging software all-"

"Of course it is, that is why I am standing up now."

"All right, but when this fails to work we'll have to boost-"

"Yes, that will be the next thing to try, but first we need to see-"

The console hummed sweetly to life under John's hand.

"Yes, well," Rodney said, sitting down very abruptly. "Now we need to let the logging software run for awhile and- "

"And in the meantime, I will delete from my inbox all those e-mails insisting that the power conduits must be damaged and the gene could not possibly be the problem," Zelenka finished, managing to sound only very slightly smug. "Inbox clutter is a curse."

John leaned back against the wall next to Rodney's chair, and stole his coffee. "Actually, I'm here for a reason. You know some people have been getting e-books from Earth?"

"Yes, using their personal allowance on the weekly data burst. Same way we're getting that ridiculous pseudo-forensics show. I care why?"

"Starting a pool. Everybody who participates gets to chose five books. Full on communal library.'' John laid the tablet he was carrying on Rodney's desk. "Here's what they're getting so far."

Rodney snatched the tablet up a little too quickly, and then tried to look uninterested. "Yes, well, very nice- oh, hey. Cory Doctorow. I heard about that one."

"The Hugo and Nebula shortlists are all on there. Plus-"

But Rodney cut him straight off with a noise of disgust. "I suppose I should have expected it, really, but must you allow your Marines to read Starship Troopers? I mean, if we can't keep the gun-toting conservative monkeys out of the military, can't we at least keep them out of the library?"

"It was the gun toting monkeys who came up with the idea," John pointed out. "Anyway, you can counterbalance it. I figure if I cover Asimov and you cover Clarke..."

"It would be a shame to miss Wells," Zelenka added from where he was craning to read over Rodney's shoulder. "If only just War of the Worlds. And short stories, the best work in science fiction has always been the short story form."

Rodney nodded impatient agreement and paged up the list. If John hadn't overestimated him, he should see it... right... about...

"Oh dear God, is that your idea of a sick joke?"

Now.

John tried to look innocent.

Zelenka leaned further over and then abruptly backed away. "Oh dear. I think perhaps I will go make more coffee."

Rodney shoved the list under his nose and stabbed his finger at the offending entry, The Elegant Universe. "That is downright irresponsible! I know I have yet to convince you that a decent grasp of the relevant science should be an essential competency for this entire base, but surely even you can see the problem with allowing some idiot to poison the collective intelligence of this city!"

John spread his hands wide. "Hey now, relax. Airman Philips just thought that since he hadn't taken much physics in school, maybe now would be a good time to read kind of a basic, beginners guide-"

Rodney rode straight over him. "The man is wrong! Wrong wrong very wrong! Not only is it wrong, it's not science!"

"Voodoo?" John asked.

"Worse than voodoo! Medicine is voodoo, at least it follows certain rules, however insane, and seems to actually work, however erratically! String theory makes no predictions and allows for no tests. It isn't even voodoo, it's some undergraduate's pot-saturated late-night bullshit session given some kind of utterly unreasonable academic legitimacy. You tell Airman Philips," -Rodney deleted the entry with quick, emphatic keystrokes- "that if I ever catch him reading string theory, I will personally see to it that he never steps through a wormhole again. And if he has decided to pull his head out of his ass and examine the universe around him with some pretense of scientific awareness, he can read Hawking. I mean, he's wrong too, obviously, but he's at least moving in the right direction, instead of running away from right as fast as his little wheels will roll, like that idiot Greene."

Over Rodney's shoulder, John could see Zelenka studiously stirring his coffee. "Do not give me that innocent look. You know he is insane and yet you egg him on," Zelenka snapped.

Rodney huffed. "All right, fine. If they must have asinine popularizations, let them have Sagan. At least dumbed down to toddler-level inanity is better than maliciously unscientific fantasy. And you should tell him I'm being generous."

John knew he was probably a bad person for this, and should probably give Zelenka his desert for at least the next five meals in apology, but he couldn't help it. Just wait for it- wait for it- just another beat-

"So is that better or worse than the engineer requesting Star Trek novelizations?"

About halfway through the first howl of outrage, John fled.

Comments

[argosy.livejournal.com]

Hey I like Starship Troopers. :D (And Greene was a charmer on his PBS show. Don't be a hater, Rodney.) This was very cute. :D

[dragojustine.livejournal.com]

>Don't be a hater, Rodney

Hm... You have, you know, *watched* the show... right?

*g* I kid. thanks!