SGA ficlet: So Very Wrong

[dragojustine]

SGA ficlet.
Set early second season.
1k words, McKay and Sheppard, gen, G

I have absolutely no excuse for this bit of inanity, other than that I saw someone reading a book today and my very first thought was "Man, think of what Rodney McKay would say about that." That must be an entry on some "you've been watching too much SGA when..." type list.



As far as John was concerned, there were lots of good things about getting back in touch with Earth.

Reinforcements. Coffee. Ammo. Letters from family. Chocolate. The entire last season of CSI, which all by itself caused wild cheering in several quarters.

Rodney seemed to think it was all irrelevant- well, except the coffee, of course.

When John stepped into the lab, Zelenka was lying stretched on the ground under some type of console, while Rodney was bent over and trying to reach down the back of it. John watched his contortions for maybe a second longer than was really necessary, waiting to be noticed. Finally, he gave up and went with a laconic, "Boo."

Zelenka twitched visibly, and there was a sharp metallic clang followed by rapid fire Czech curses. Rodney didn't look up.

"Oh, Colonel. There you are, finally. Another hour and I would have actually had to go track you down, which is a ludicrous waste of valuable time. Do you see that black panel with the glyphs?" He flapped his arms vaguely towards the other end of the console, still rummaging behind it. "Zelenka wants you to put your hand there."

"And do what?"

"Think glowy thoughts at it. Tell it it's pretty. How should I know?"

Zelenka rolled out from under the console, rubbing his forehead. "Hello, Colonel. If you don't mind trying to initialize, it would save us much-"

"Yes, I'm sure he'll try your ridiculous request, Radek. Is the logging software all-"

"Of course it is, that is why I am standing up now."

"All right, but when this fails to work we'll have to boost-"

"Yes, that will be the next thing to try, but first we need to see-"

The console hummed sweetly to life under John's hand.

"Yes, well," Rodney said, sitting down very abruptly. "Now we need to let the logging software run for awhile and- "

"And in the meantime, I will delete from my inbox all those e-mails insisting that the power conduits must be damaged and the gene could not possibly be the problem," Zelenka finished, managing to sound only very slightly smug. "Inbox clutter is a curse."

John leaned back against the wall next to Rodney's chair, and stole his coffee. "Actually, I'm here for a reason. You know some people have been getting e-books from Earth?"

"Yes, using their personal allowance on the weekly data burst. Same way we're getting that ridiculous pseudo-forensics show. I care why?"

"Starting a pool. Everybody who participates gets to chose five books. Full on communal library.'' John laid the tablet he was carrying on Rodney's desk. "Here's what they're getting so far."

Rodney snatched the tablet up a little too quickly, and then tried to look uninterested. "Yes, well, very nice- oh, hey. Cory Doctorow. I heard about that one."

"The Hugo and Nebula shortlists are all on there. Plus-"

But Rodney cut him straight off with a noise of disgust. "I suppose I should have expected it, really, but must you allow your Marines to read Starship Troopers? I mean, if we can't keep the gun-toting conservative monkeys out of the military, can't we at least keep them out of the library?"

"It was the gun toting monkeys who came up with the idea," John pointed out. "Anyway, you can counterbalance it. I figure if I cover Asimov and you cover Clarke..."

"It would be a shame to miss Wells," Zelenka added from where he was craning to read over Rodney's shoulder. "If only just War of the Worlds. And short stories, the best work in science fiction has always been the short story form."

Rodney nodded impatient agreement and paged up the list. If John hadn't overestimated him, he should see it... right... about...

"Oh dear God, is that your idea of a sick joke?"

Now.

John tried to look innocent.

Zelenka leaned further over and then abruptly backed away. "Oh dear. I think perhaps I will go make more coffee."

Rodney shoved the list under his nose and stabbed his finger at the offending entry, The Elegant Universe. "That is downright irresponsible! I know I have yet to convince you that a decent grasp of the relevant science should be an essential competency for this entire base, but surely even you can see the problem with allowing some idiot to poison the collective intelligence of this city!"

John spread his hands wide. "Hey now, relax. Airman Philips just thought that since he hadn't taken much physics in school, maybe now would be a good time to read kind of a basic, beginners guide-"

Rodney rode straight over him. "The man is wrong! Wrong wrong very wrong! Not only is it wrong, it's not science!"

"Voodoo?" John asked.

"Worse than voodoo! Medicine is voodoo, at least it follows certain rules, however insane, and seems to actually work, however erratically! String theory makes no predictions and allows for no tests. It isn't even voodoo, it's some undergraduate's pot-saturated late-night bullshit session given some kind of utterly unreasonable academic legitimacy. You tell Airman Philips," -Rodney deleted the entry with quick, emphatic keystrokes- "that if I ever catch him reading string theory, I will personally see to it that he never steps through a wormhole again. And if he has decided to pull his head out of his ass and examine the universe around him with some pretense of scientific awareness, he can read Hawking. I mean, he's wrong too, obviously, but he's at least moving in the right direction, instead of running away from right as fast as his little wheels will roll, like that idiot Greene."

Over Rodney's shoulder, John could see Zelenka studiously stirring his coffee. "Do not give me that innocent look. You know he is insane and yet you egg him on," Zelenka snapped.

Rodney huffed. "All right, fine. If they must have asinine popularizations, let them have Sagan. At least dumbed down to toddler-level inanity is better than maliciously unscientific fantasy. And you should tell him I'm being generous."

John knew he was probably a bad person for this, and should probably give Zelenka his desert for at least the next five meals in apology, but he couldn't help it. Just wait for it- wait for it- just another beat-

"So is that better or worse than the engineer requesting Star Trek novelizations?"

About halfway through the first howl of outrage, John fled.

Comments

[sulien77.livejournal.com]

*snicker* I love Rodney's reaction to the various physics books. Shame on him for not knowing his Heinlein better than that though, since, if anything, Heinlein was definitely more of a Libertarian than a conservative of any stripe.

[teh-bug.livejournal.com]

Hee! That was fun!

[kimberlyfdr.livejournal.com]

Oh, Rodney. I prefer Neil deGrasse Tyson myself (even if he did steal an idea from Rodney;) Greene is just...yeah, not a preferable read. At this point I wonder who Rodney actually does like because half of them get it wrong and the other half steal his ideas. It's hard to be a genius :D

[(Anonymous)]

That was fun, thanks!

:)

And you could have been nastier and included... oh, I don't know, Parry Hotter or the Twilight stuff or any random YA books to the list! These would have given Rodney a heart attack...

It's a good thing John is a true friend who wouldn't want to kill his main source of entertainment on Atlantis, I suppose.

[dragojustine.livejournal.com]

*distressed noise*

You are right, of course. I imagined that the patriotism bit would piss McKay off (which I stand by) but to immediately label that as conservative was, uh... My bias is showing. Thanks for the crit, and thanks for the comment, though!

[dragojustine.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[kensieg.livejournal.com]

What about Asimov? He did some good science for the layman.

[argosy.livejournal.com]

Hey I like Starship Troopers. :D (And Greene was a charmer on his PBS show. Don't be a hater, Rodney.) This was very cute. :D

[dragojustine.livejournal.com]

Neil deGrasse Tyson?
*googles*

Oh, the Death by Black Hole guy! I heard good things about that- I'll consider it a rec, thanks.

Yes indeed. It's hard to be Rodney *g*

[dragojustine.livejournal.com]

Er, actually... I had this whole big "You mean my life is in the hands of a Marine who reads ROMANCE NOVELS?" bit prepared. Because I kind of love the image of Laura Cadman reading romance novels and Rodney getting all blustery about it. But then I didn't know enough about the genre to mock properly.

hee.

[dragojustine.livejournal.com]

>Don't be a hater, Rodney

Hm... You have, you know, *watched* the show... right?

*g* I kid. thanks!

[bellabelball.livejournal.com]

my very first thought was "Man, think of what Rodney McKay would say about that."

LOL... I've been doing that a lot too. Fun story! :)

[kimberlyfdr.livejournal.com]

The reason I like Tyson is he relates things in terms that everyone can understand and he also utilizes pop culture in his explanations. Greene, on the other hand, tries to integrate pop culture and fails ("let's say Homer Simpson is a white dwarf star") <-- No, does not compute ;)

[kimberlyfdr.livejournal.com]

I've found that Asimov is more accessible through his science fiction and then using that as a bridge to his science writing. For me, Tyson is a good introduction to the concepts overall.

[kensieg.livejournal.com]

I grew up with Asimov the science writer. Realm of Numbers especially.

[dragojustine.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank God it's not just me. Thanks!

[kimberlyfdr.livejournal.com]

I love his science fiction (in fact, I like alot of his writing) The man's listed in every category of the Dewey Decimal System except for Philosophy and he's one of the Big Three science fiction writers, no denying he's a prolific author. His historical and biblical writings are also interesting reads.

[kensieg.livejournal.com]

Have you read his Guide to Shakespeare? His Black Widowers mysteries is fabulous.

[kimberlyfdr.livejournal.com]

I haven't yet, but I'll definitely look it up! (I've been trying to go through my library system before expanding out to books they don't carry)

[icarusancalion.livejournal.com]

Where have you been all my fandom life? Definitely chucklesome. Nothing like John with his aptitude for needling Rodney.

[dragojustine.livejournal.com]

aptitude for needling Rodney

EXACTLY. Come on, you know he loves it. And I kind of love that Zelenka totally has his number there, too. *g*

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

Hee - I got a couple friends who I enjoy winding up just to watch them rant, and John is the master of the art as pertains to Rodney McKay!

[seadragon-redux.livejournal.com]

John... you are bad, bad man! *laughs hysterically*

Poor Radik! Rodney will probably be wound up for hours and Zelenka is going to throw a coffee mug at him in a desperate attempt to save his sanity

[burntcopper.livejournal.com]

Hee! (I confess to being one of those people that love sci-fi tv/films but cannot stand most science fiction novels I've tried. And does not get physics.)

[dragojustine.livejournal.com]

*headscratch*

Well, then I confess that you weren't the intended audience- but thank you for reading!

[dragojustine.livejournal.com]

I got a couple friends who I enjoy winding up just to watch them rant

And I used to have several friends who liked winding me up to watch me rant. I miss them. It's good to be appreciated for your talents!

[dragojustine.livejournal.com]

He will indeed be wound up for hours. Thanks!

[desertport]

"So is that better or worse than the engineer requesting Star Trek novelizations?"

*cackles* Zelenka soooo would have done it to Sheppard, if he'd thought of it first. *hearts them both*

Totally in-char McShep, with John winding Rodney up and Rodney all clueless and Expert on All Things Science, Even Fiction. Funny and sweet and a neat out-take I wouldn't be surprised to see pop up in an episode someday. Plus, I love that Zelenka reads ST novels, though I'm wondering now if maybe he's into teh slash?

[dragojustine.livejournal.com]

Totally in-char McShep

*dances* thank you!

Plus, I love that Zelenka reads ST novels

I don't actually believe for a minute he does. When I first wrote it, it was supposed to be read like "Hey Rodney, somebody in your department requested a Star Trek novel and I won't tell you who!" And then it kind of came out sounding like Zelenka and I left it that way. Because no matter how much Zelenka denies it, you KNOW Rodney won't believe him.

But if Zelenka DID read ST novels, he would be completely aware of and cool with slash. *nodnod*

[miriad.livejournal.com]

Over Rodney's shoulder, John could see Zelenka studiously stirring his coffee. "Do not give me that innocent look. You know he is insane and yet you egg him on," Zelenka snapped.

Rock ON with your bad self! This is great! I love your Rodney and want to see more of him. And yes, I am being a demanding bitca. ;)

[filenotch.livejournal.com]

I wandered around after reading ivorygates rec for Hell of a Sight (which is, well, I was going to say too hot for words, but it's all about words, and, yes, incoherency). This is one of the best bits of Zelenka dialog I have ever read. The whole thing is good, but few people get all three of them right, all at the same time. Funny, and spot on with the physicist complaints. Very cool.

[dragojustine.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad! I might, actually, uh *stage whispers* ship Rodney/Radek just about as much as I ship McKay/Sheppard. In my own personal versions, the characters are all very much the same type of Geek, and they just chose to display/channel that very different. I'm convinced that John and Radek would get along *great* and the writers just haven't figured that out yet.

I might even, uh *blush* maybe be a little bit OT3 about them. Which I can't EVER do, because then I would be ALL ALONE in my own corner of fandom and NO ONE would ever SPEAK to me again! [end melodrama]

[filenotch.livejournal.com]

So, should I challenge you to write an "aliens/alien device made them do it" so you can get it out of your system without melodrama?