Hear me navel-gaze.
Jun. 4th, 2007 10:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dragojustineDo you ever feel like a massive underachiever? Like you’re not… living up to potential, filling expectations, making proper use of this whole life bit. I was doing some fanfic reading today, and it’s striking how many people form communities, do things, make goals. Not change-the-world stuff, but they want to write and so they do, and they share it and make friends. Or they want to lose weight and work out so they do, and feel better. They want to be part of something so they join a book club. My own equivalent- I want to dance- completely petered out. Simply too much inertia and I’m too out of shape. I read a lot but I don’t write, so I’m on the outside looking in. I watch but don’t dance.
All I’ve been doing for the past little while is hanging around online, reading random stuff, whiling away the days. Basically, there seems to be a fundamental imbalance- too much consuming, not enough producing. Read but don’t write, watch but don’t do, plan but don’t execute, think but don’t apply.
It seems like there ought to be easy steps- simply decide to work out every evening, then decide to go dance once a week, then decide to do some writing, then decide to do… but it’s always so much harder than that. Depression leads to inertia leads to isolation leads to depression, and breaking out of a cycle is hard. A thousand excuses present themselves- going out dancing is too embarrassing while I’m still so out of shape, and getting in shape is too hard when I can’t afford a gym, and when I resolve to go out walking it promptly starts raining every night and when I want to actually make something, write rather than read, I can’t get the energy because I know I’m bad at it. Basically, I don’t know how to even go about starting to DO something with my life. Too much consumption, not enough production. Too much reading, not enough doing. How is it so hard to change that? What are the other choices?
All I’ve been doing for the past little while is hanging around online, reading random stuff, whiling away the days. Basically, there seems to be a fundamental imbalance- too much consuming, not enough producing. Read but don’t write, watch but don’t do, plan but don’t execute, think but don’t apply.
It seems like there ought to be easy steps- simply decide to work out every evening, then decide to go dance once a week, then decide to do some writing, then decide to do… but it’s always so much harder than that. Depression leads to inertia leads to isolation leads to depression, and breaking out of a cycle is hard. A thousand excuses present themselves- going out dancing is too embarrassing while I’m still so out of shape, and getting in shape is too hard when I can’t afford a gym, and when I resolve to go out walking it promptly starts raining every night and when I want to actually make something, write rather than read, I can’t get the energy because I know I’m bad at it. Basically, I don’t know how to even go about starting to DO something with my life. Too much consumption, not enough production. Too much reading, not enough doing. How is it so hard to change that? What are the other choices?