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Year round-up

The year round-up is late this year, which I guess isn't surprising given that doing anything for the last several months has felt like swimming through molasses.

Last year may have been the single most positive year of my life, taking me from a very low point to an absolute best-case scenario and leaving me feeling like I had options and a future for the first time in seven years. This year was the complete opposite: a first seven months of ridiculously perfect dream life and best summer job ever abruptly followed by five months of depression, anxiety attacks, and the complete conviction that I have no future and there is nothing I can do to change that. At least some of that is crazy-brain, I know, but some of it is reality. I have no job, no connections, no networking skills, no interview skills, no plausible scenario to get a decent job, and with every week that's passed since about November my chances have completely plummeted, both of being able to get a job when I graduate that can pay back my loans AND of ever in my life having a career that I feel is halfway worthwhile.

I have no idea what to do now.

This year I:
*Managed to not flunk out of law school
*Worked the best summer job ever (complete with a crush on my geeky fangirly boss).
*Started working a ridiculous internship that will not be helpful to me in the ways I was hoping, but is kind of a charming experience anyway.
*Moved to Brooklyn
*Realized how very, very, very much I miss my mother and my sister.
*Had to resign from an extracurricular activity that I really loved and was planning on taking a leadership role in next year, which I'm frustrated and bitter and angry about. Don't have anyone I can talk to about it, miss it, and don't have any prospect of replacing it with anything equivalent.
*Dropped out of fandom pretty much entirely, which I think went a long want toward exacerbating the psychological problems. Also defaulted on Yuletide, which makes me feel like total crap and took away one of my favorite things that I look forward to all year.
*Lived in DC and thought it was a lovely place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there barring a Washington-specific dream job. Still love New York and never want to leave (spent hours and hours crying because I don't want to leave and I don't see how I'll ever get a job that will allow me to stay here).
*More or less lost almost every friend I had, which was largely my own fault (bad at keeping up with pre-law school people, completely unable due to depression to so much as speak with anyone who has a decent job without crying for hours) but partly circumstance (I miss [personal profile] watersword!). Also miss [profile] bdblack, and am not sure which category that goes in.
*Fucked up and was truly terrible to [personal profile] hilarytamar, which I've been too screwed up in that particularly self-centered depressive way to figure out how to fix.
*Lost 20 pounds due to anxiety and depression and associated meds, which isn't exactly how I wanted that to happen but sure, okay.
*Accidentally ended up in a monoagamous and serious relationship that wasn't meant to be either one of those things at all. In some ways it's deleriously wonderful but in some ways it's making me deeply uneasy for reasons that are partly my baggage but I think partly valid.
*Had some amazing sex with an extremely submissive partner and some kind-of-sort-of sex with a really not submissive partner and some sex with a partner who was being submissive at the time and more sex with that same partner who wasn't, and realized that this is not an optional extra in my life but something I really want and that I get twitcy and frustrated without. Am doing poorly at using my words to fix situation.

Next year I want to:
*not flunk out of law school
*do the only two things that I think have any chance of helping with the depression but are incredibly difficult right now for logistical and time commitment reasons: Swim and be fannish again, in some undetermined capacity.
*Get a job that offers some prospect of leading to some kind of worthwhile career that will let me stay in New York.

The third one of those is completely and utterly impossible, in a way that I'm absolutely helpless to do anything about. This is making it utterly impossible for me to do anything else, up to and including "talk to friends" or, often, "get out of bed."
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dragojustine

November 2014

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